By: Debra Cohen-Melamed, LCSW, CCTP, TF-CBT, CPDTP
For many parents in Orthodox Jewish communities, the decision to seek an autism evaluation outside their community is not made lightly. Often, concerns are first raised by their child’s Jewish day school teachers—concerns that parents may initially believe stem from a misunderstanding of their child rather than a true developmental challenge. Sometimes, seeking an outside evaluation may begin with the hope of reassuring themselves or others that their child is on track. However, when an evaluation confirms a diagnosis, families may find themselves at a meaningful crossroads—one that can challenge their perceptions of their child, their religious community, and their faith itself.
The Challenge: School Concerns vs. Parental Expectations
In many Orthodox Jewish schools, concerns about a child’s development may arise from both secular and religious teachers, though their perspectives can differ. Secular teachers, who may have more exposure to developmental norms outside the religious community, might notice social, communication, or behavioral differences that suggest autism. Religious teachers, on the other hand, may interpret these same struggles differently—perhaps as difficulties with Torah learning, discipline, or classroom structure.
These interpretations are often influenced by training and expectations rather than clinical expertise, which is why an outside perspective can be helpful. Regardless of perspective, parents may feel blindsided, frustrated, or even defensive when their child is identified as having challenges. In close-knit communities, the idea of a formal diagnosis can raise deep concerns—not just for the child’s present experience in school, but for their future, including social standing and marriage prospects. Some parents may initially question the teacher, the school, or the approach to discipline, before considering the possibility of an underlying developmental difference.
Whether or not a diagnosis is given, families may feel stuck—facing either communal stigma or ongoing school concerns without clear direction. Parents may experience cognitive dissonance (the psychological tension that arises when holding conflicting beliefs or values) as they try to reconcile their child’s diagnosis with the expectations of the Jewish community. On one hand, they want to seek support and resources to help their child thrive. On the other, they fear that acknowledging a diagnosis could lead to social alienation, particularly from religious schools, synagogues, or matchmaking circles (shidduchim) as their children grow older.
Community Caution and Concerns about Outside Influence
Orthodox communities have long prioritized preserving cultural and religious integrity, which sometimes leads to cautiousness around outside systems. Many families have had negative experiences with external authorities who misunderstood or stereotyped religious Jews, leading to reluctance about accessing services such as special education or mental health support. This protective instinct is also reinforced by the rise in antisemitism, which understandably deepens wariness toward secular institutions.
At the same time, parents worry about the impact of secular influences on their children. While some attempt to integrate into broader culture, they remain cautious about straying too far from Jewish traditions. If a child moves to a more secular setting—such as a public school with better special education resources—there may be concern about exposure to values that conflict with religious teachings. This creates a delicate tension: the desire for optimal support alongside the commitment to Jewish continuity.
The No-Win Dilemma and the Courage to Seek Help
For many families, pursuing a diagnosis feels like a no-win situation. If their child is diagnosed with autism, they may fear stigma or exclusion within the community. If their child is not diagnosed, school concerns remain unresolved, and parents are left without clarity. Even reaching out for information or support can be a meaningful first step.
Seeking an evaluation outside the community is not a betrayal of Jewish values. Rather, it is an act of love—a commitment to understanding a child more fully and ensuring they have the support they need to thrive.
Bridging the Gap: Balancing Community and Support
Instead of viewing this journey as an either-or decision—either staying within the Orthodox system or leaving it entirely—families can explore ways to integrate both:
- Advocating for Accommodations in Jewish Schools – Some Jewish schools may be open to adjustments if approached with a proactive plan. While not all will have resources for special education, some may be willing to work with families to create better support structures.
- Exploring Alternative Religious Educational Settings – Not all Jewish schools operate the same way. Some have more flexibility in their approach to education and may be better suited to meet a child’s needs.
- Seeking Professional Support While Maintaining Religious Identity – Therapy, behavioral interventions, and specialized education can be accessed outside the Orthodox community without compromising religious beliefs. Many therapists and providers understand the importance of maintaining Jewish identity and can work within those cultural sensitivities.
Jewish day schools serve as the foundation of a child’s religious and cultural upbringing, instilling values, traditions, and a deep sense of community. However, when a child has behavioral or developmental challenges, parents often find themselves navigating uncharted territory. Many Jewish day schools are not fully equipped to support neurodivergent students, leaving both parents and educators feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and uncertain about the best path forward.
While schools are deeply invested in their students’ success, there is a growing need to integrate mental health awareness, structured support systems, and professional development to ensure that all children can thrive academically, socially, and spiritually.
Personal Experience as a Therapist and Growing Up in an Orthodox Community
Having grown up in an Orthodox community and attended an Orthodox Jewish day school my entire life, I have witnessed and personally experienced many of these struggles. As a clinical therapist, I have also helped Jewish families navigate these complex dynamics. While most Jewish day schools, regardless of level of observance, have made efforts to incorporate more mental health support and trained staff, there is still much work to be done.
I believe my experiences allow me to make a real difference in the lives of children and families trying to bridge their religious and neurodivergent identities. Over the years, I have developed skills as a clinical therapist with a deep understanding of how children process information from their surroundings, and how this can be a confusing and vulnerable time for them. I am particularly passionate about working in the mental health field while honoring the culture I was raised in and love so deeply.
For parents struggling to come to terms with a diagnosis, it is important to remember that seeking help does not mean abandoning religious values. Rather, it is an opportunity to embrace the tools available to ensure each child can thrive in both their faith and their personal development. While I’m not a rabbi or spiritual leader, I encourage families to seek guidance from trusted spiritual mentors alongside professional support. I am happy to offer consultative services to children and families navigating this journey, helping them find ways to integrate their religious beliefs with the support their child or family needs.
Final Thoughts
This journey is not easy. It may challenge long-held beliefs, raise difficult emotions, and require tough decisions. But in every challenge, there is an opportunity to grow in faith, understanding, and love.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to begin, you’re not alone. We’re here to support you—with understanding, compassion, and respect for your family’s values.
At Cadenza Center, we offer evaluations, therapy, and support tailored to your child’s needs—while respecting your family’s values and traditions. Contact us today to explore how we can help.
About the Author:
Debra Cohen-Melamed, LCSW, CCTP, TF-CBT, CPDTP, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over a decade of experience in the mental health field. Debra is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, a Certified Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (TF-CBT), and a Certified Personality Disorder Treatment Provider.
Having grown up within the Greater Pittsburgh Area, Debra was raised in an Orthodox Jewish community and attended a Jewish day school, giving her a deep understanding of the complexities of balancing religious and secular life. As a clinician, she is passionate about increasing awareness of mental health in secular and Jewish spaces by helping families navigate challenges in a way that respects their cultural, religious, as well as secular values. Debra has worked closely with Jewish organizations and schools to provide psychoeducation, consultation, psychotherapy, and culturally sensitive interventions, ensuring that individuals and families feel supported in both their faith and mental well-being.
