Dealing with Children’s Attitude: A Discussion about Defiance and Assertiveness

By: Rebecca David-Cusani, MS, RCMHI

Parenting can be a real rollercoaster, especially when you’re trying to figure out if your child is just being defiant or setting boundaries. It’s a subtle distinction, but understanding it can significantly impact how you guide and respond to your child’s development.

Defiance is when your child flat out refuses to listen, pushes back against everything, and generally drives you up the wall. It’s like they’re challenging your authority at every turn. Setting boundaries, on the other hand, is when your child knows what they want and isn’t afraid to say it. They’re standing up for themselves and making it clear what they’re okay with and what they’re not. So, how can you tell the difference? Let’s delve deeper into the psychology and development behind these behaviors.

Understanding Developmental Stages

Children go through several stages of psychological and emotional development where asserting independence and testing boundaries are typical.

Toddlerhood (1-3 years): This stage is often referred to as the “Terrible Twos.” Toddlers are learning to assert their independence, which can often come across as defiance. For example, a toddler may insist on dressing themselves, even if it means putting on mismatched shoes. This behavior is a normal part of their development as they learn to make choices and express preferences.

Preschool (3-5 years): During this period, children start to develop more sophisticated language skills and a stronger sense of self. They might say “no” frequently or challenge rules to test limits. A preschooler might refuse to clean up their toys because they want to keep playing. This is a natural phase where they learn about rules and the consequences of breaking them.

School Age (6-12 years): As children grow older, they develop a clearer sense of fairness and justice. They may question authority more and try to negotiate rules. For instance, a child might argue about bedtime, asking for just 15 more minutes. This age group is learning to advocate for themselves and understand the reasoning behind rules.

Recognizing Defiance Vs. Assertiveness

Defiance can be a normal part of development and can help children learn about self-control and problem-solving. Defiance usually comes with a big dose of “attitude.” Your child might roll their eyes, stomp their feet, or argue just for the sake of arguing. It’s like they’re trying to pick a fight. This behavior is often a reaction to feeling powerless or frustrated.

But when they’re setting boundaries, they’re calmer and more assertive. They might say things like, “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that,” or “I need some space right now.” They’re not trying to be difficult; they’re just looking out for themselves. Assertiveness is a healthy way for children to communicate their needs and feelings. However, consistent and extreme defiance might be a red flag. If your child’s defiant behavior is severe, persistent, and negatively affecting their daily life, it might be time to seek help from a therapist.

Tips For Parents

Communication is Key: Encourage your child to talk to you about how they’re feeling, even if it’s not easy. And make sure they know you’re listening and taking their concerns seriously. Open communication helps children feel heard and respected, which can reduce defiant behavior.
Be Consistent with Rules and Consequences: Be clear about expectations and follow through with consequences. However, be willing to be flexible when it’s appropriate. Your child needs to know where the line is, but they also need to feel like they have some say in things. Consistency helps children understand the stability and predictability of their environment.
Lead by Example: Show your child what it looks like to set boundaries and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. They’ll learn more from watching you than from any lecture you give them. Demonstrating calm, assertive behavior teaches them how to handle conflicts constructively.

Recognizing Red Flags

While defiance and boundary-setting are normal, there are signs that indicate a need for professional help:

Persistent Aggression: If your child’s defiance frequently turns into physical aggression or intense anger.
Social Withdrawal: If your child isolates themselves and avoids social interactions.
Academic Issues: If defiant behavior is significantly impacting their performance at school.

Parenting through defiance and boundary-setting phases can be challenging, but with understanding and patience, you can help your child navigate these stages. By fostering open communication, setting consistent boundaries, and leading by example, you support their growth into confident, self-assured individuals. Next time you’re faced with a child who’s pushing back, take a step back and ask yourself: Are they really being defiant, or are they just learning to stand up for themselves? With a little patience and understanding, you can help them navigate this space and grow into confident, self-assured individuals.

Why and When to Seek Therapy

If your child’s behavior is consistently extreme and disruptive, it may be time to seek therapy. Therapy can be beneficial for addressing underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, or ADHD that might be contributing to defiant behavior. Additionally, therapy provides a space for children to express their feelings and learn coping strategies.

What to Expect in Therapy

When you decide to seek therapy, an experienced counselor will typically start with an initial assessment to understand your child’s behavior and the family dynamics. This might involve conversations with both the parents and the child. The therapist will then work with your child to develop strategies for managing their emotions and behavior. Therapy sessions can include play therapy for younger children, which helps them express feelings through play, and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for older children, which focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors.

Parents are often involved in the therapeutic process. The therapist might provide guidance on effective parenting strategies and ways to improve communication and consistency at home. This collaborative approach helps ensure that changes in behavior are supported in all aspects of the child’s life.