If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… what just happened?”—and somehow, even though you were the one with the valid concern, you’re suddenly the one apologizing—you may have just experienced DARVO.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, a term coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. Originally used to describe how abusers deflect accountability when confronted, DARVO now shows up in all kinds of everyday relationships—from romantic partnerships to friendships, family dynamics, and even parenting.
And while DARVO is a defensive move, it’s anything but passive. It warps the truth, confuses the confrontation, and leaves the person seeking clarity feeling like they are the problem. I’ve seen it happen in therapy sessions, in my personal life, and even in myself when I get defensive under stress.
As a psychologist, I understand the mechanisms behind it. But that doesn’t always mean I’m immune. In fact, my training can sometimes make me more critical of myself when I get caught in these patterns—wondering if I was too sensitive, too direct, or too insistent. That’s the power of DARVO: it pulls even grounded, self-aware people into a cycle of second-guessing.
Let me show you how it can unfold.
Vignette 1: “That’s not what I said.”
A woman I worked with recently told me about her frustration with her sister. A few weeks earlier, they had agreed that the sister would help with some paperwork related to their elderly parents’ estate. But as the deadline approached, the sister became evasive. When my client reminded her of their agreement, her sister flatly denied it: “You’re making that up. I never said I’d do that.”
The conversation quickly spiraled. My client was accused of being manipulative, of pressuring her, of always needing control. Suddenly, the conversation wasn’t about the undone task—it was about her character.
This is DARVO at work: deny the original agreement, attack the person’s tone or motives, and reverse the roles—now the sister is the victim of “being accused.”
Why Do People Use DARVO?
DARVO often shows up in people who:
– Struggle to tolerate shame or guilt
– Were raised in environments where admitting fault felt unsafe or punished
– Use defensiveness as a way to preserve fragile self-esteem
– Have learned that reactivity can protect them from emotional exposure
In short, DARVO is a self-protective strategy. But it’s also a deeply relationally damaging one. It shuts down vulnerability, blocks accountability, and erodes trust. It’s not a personality disorder—it’s a defense pattern, but one that often has roots in trauma, narcissistic dynamics, or unresolved attachment wounds.
Vignette 2: “You’re the one who’s being mean.”
In a session, a client shared how after calmly asking her partner to stop making jokes at her expense in front of friends, he got quiet and withdrawn. Hours later, he exploded, saying she had humiliated him by “attacking” him in front of others.
She started the day wanting to feel safe and respected. She ended it trying to convince him she wasn’t a bully. She even apologized.
He had flipped the roles: she became the aggressor, he became the wounded party. The original issue disappeared under a sea of confusion and defensiveness. Another classic DARVO pattern.
What DARVO Is Not
DARVO is not the same as simply disagreeing.
It’s not conflict.
It’s not “having a different truth.”
It’s when one person dodges responsibility by rewriting the script entirely—turning the person seeking clarity into the villain. It’s subtle gaslighting with a side of guilt trip.
Vignette 3: The Teen Twist
One mom came to therapy feeling “crazy” because her teenage daughter kept turning the tables on her. She had asked her daughter to put away the phone before dinner, per their longstanding rule. Her daughter rolled her eyes, kept texting, and eventually snapped, “You’re so controlling! You never trust me! Why do you always start drama?”
Soon the mom was questioning her own boundaries, unsure if she had overreacted.
This kind of DARVO shows up a lot with teens testing limits—but it’s also a learned tactic. Kids see adults dodge accountability too. What matters is how we respond—calmly, consistently, and without taking the bait.
How to Spot It (and What to Do)
If you’re feeling confused, blamed, or like your original point got completely lost—you might be in a DARVO loop. Here’s what you can do:
- Pause the conversation. You’re allowed to say, “This is getting off track. I’m going to step away and revisit this later.”
- Name what’s happening—gently. You might say, “It feels like instead of addressing what I brought up, we’re now focused on my tone. Can we go back to the original concern?”
- Hold steady to your truth. Don’t try to defend your character. DARVO thrives when you abandon your concern to prove your goodness.
Final Thoughts
DARVO is frustrating, but it’s not unbeatable. With awareness, we can learn to recognize the pattern without internalizing it. We can hold people accountable without collapsing into guilt. And we can walk away from distorted conversations with our clarity intact.
Sometimes healing begins not with confrontation—but with the quiet decision to stop playing a role we never agreed to.
