By: Debra Cohen-Melamed, LCSW

The holiday season often brings to mind twinkling lights, cozy gatherings, and picture-perfect family moments straight out of a Hallmark movie. But for many people, the reality looks very different—think heated arguments over dinner, intrusive questions about your personal life, and the creeping feeling of being judged by relatives who only see you once a year.

Whether it’s dealing with a critical parent, an overbearing aunt who keeps asking about your love life, or simmering tension from unresolved family conflicts, the holidays can magnify family dynamics and stir up deep emotional triggers. The weight of expectations—both internal and external—can leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and counting down the hours until it’s all over.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. With some preparation, self-awareness, and a few essential tools, you can navigate family gatherings with more confidence, calm, and resilience. Here are seven therapist-approved strategies to help you survive—and maybe even enjoy—your holiday season with family.

1. Identify Your Triggers

Family gatherings can feel like stepping into an emotional minefield. Maybe it’s the uncle who always brings up politics, the cousin who subtly criticizes your parenting, or the parent whose expectations you can never quite meet. Triggers are deeply personal, but they often share common themes: feeling judged, misunderstood, or pressured.

Ask yourself:

• Are there specific people who tend to upset you?
• Are there recurring topics (e.g., your career, relationship status, or lifestyle choices) that cause tension?
• Do you notice certain patterns, like feeling emotionally drained after long conversations with certain family members?

Why this matters: Identifying your triggers ahead of time helps you prepare emotionally. Instead of being blindsided by a hurtful comment or heated discussion, you’ll be able to recognize what’s happening and respond with more control.

Action Tip: Write down your biggest triggers and think about how you’ll handle them if they arise. For example, if Aunt Linda always asks why you’re still single, you might have a lighthearted but firm response ready: “I appreciate your concern, Aunt Linda, but let’s focus on enjoying the meal instead!”

2. Set Boundaries (and Stick to Them!)

Boundaries are your emotional armor during the holiday season. They’re not about being cold or shutting others out—they’re about protecting your emotional well-being.

Examples of boundary-setting in action:

• “I’d rather not discuss politics today. Let’s keep the conversation light and festive.”
• “I’m going to step outside for a bit; I just need a moment to recharge.”
• “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now. Let’s change the subject.”

Why this matters: Without boundaries, you might find yourself stuck in conversations or situations that leave you feeling frustrated, hurt, or anxious. It’s not selfish to set limits—it’s healthy.

Action Tip: Communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly. If possible, share them with a trusted family member beforehand so they can help reinforce them.

3. Adjust Your Expectations

This isn’t a Hallmark movie, and your family isn’t a cast of perfectly scripted characters. The turkey might be dry, someone might say something insensitive, and old tensions might resurface. And that’s okay.

Focus on:

• Small moments of joy or connection.
• Gratitude for what’s going well.
• Giving yourself grace when things aren’t perfect.

Why this matters: When you let go of unrealistic expectations, you reduce disappointment and create space for genuine connection.

Action Tip: Remind yourself: “It’s okay if things aren’t perfect. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

4. Control What You Can—and Let Go of What You Can’t

One of the biggest sources of holiday stress is trying to control things beyond your power. You can’t control Aunt Karen’s political opinions, your dad’s sarcastic remarks, or your sibling’s passive-aggressive comments. But you can control how you respond.

Focus on what’s in your control:

• How much time you spend with certain people.
• Whether or not you engage in certain conversations.
• Your breathing, your tone, and your body language.

Why this matters: Letting go of what you can’t control frees up emotional energy for the things that matter most—like enjoying the few moments of connection or joy that the holiday might bring.

Action Tip: When you feel frustration bubbling up, remind yourself: “I can’t control their behavior, but I can control how I respond.”

5. Use Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

When tensions rise, having a few tools to calm your nervous system can make a world of difference.

Grounding exercises to try:

• Deep Breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts. Repeat until you feel calmer.
• 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste.
• Mantras: Repeat calming phrases in your mind, like “I am safe,” or “This too shall pass.”

Why this matters: These tools anchor you in the present moment, reducing anxiety and helping you respond rather than react.

Action Tip: Practice these techniques before the holidays so they feel natural when you need them.

6. Prioritize Self-Care (Before, During, and After)

Holiday burnout is real, and it’s easy to neglect your own needs while trying to meet everyone else’s.

Self-care ideas:

• Get enough sleep the night before a gathering.
• Eat well and stay hydrated.
• Journal your feelings after a stressful interaction.
• Take a long bath or go for a peaceful walk.

Why this matters: Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. Taking time for yourself before and after gatherings can help you recover emotionally and stay resilient.

Action Tip: Schedule self-care time into your holiday calendar like you would any other obligation.

7. Have an Exit Strategy

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, things go south. Arguments flare, someone drinks too much, or you just feel emotionally drained. This is where your exit strategy comes in.

A few strategies to consider:

• The Graceful Exit: Have a polite and neutral excuse ready, such as, “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, so I’m going to head out.”
• Take a Break: Step outside, go for a walk, or spend a few minutes alone in a quiet room.
• Bring a Support Buddy: If possible, coordinate with a family member or friend who can leave with you or provide emotional backup when needed.
• Have a ‘back up’ excuse: Decide on an excuse to leave before you arrive. It can be as simple as “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow.”

Why this matters: Knowing you have a way out—whether temporary or permanent—can reduce anxiety and help you feel more in control.

Action Tip: Decide in advance how you’ll handle an overwhelming situation. Even if you don’t end up needing your exit plan, just knowing it’s there can bring peace of mind.

Final Thoughts:

Surviving the holidays with family isn’t about creating a flawless experience—it’s about showing up with self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and the tools you need to protect your peace.

If this season feels particularly tough, remember that it’s okay to seek support from a therapist. You deserve to feel calm, respected, and cared for during the holidays—on your own terms.

Wishing you peace, strength, and joy this holiday season!