by Debra Cohen-Melamed, LCSW, CCTP, TF-CBT, CPDTP
When Gabriella yells at her teacher or Marcus storms out during an argument, people often label them as difficult or aggressive. But these reactions aren’t about drama—they’re about survival. As a trauma therapist, I spend a lot of time helping people understand this: what looks like defiance is often the nervous system’s cry for safety.
As a trauma therapist, I spend a lot of time helping people understand one key truth: your reactions aren’t random—they’re survival strategies. The nervous system is wired to protect us, and when it senses danger, it kicks into one of four instinctive responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. These are often called the “Four Fs” of trauma.
Most people have heard those words before, but what they don’t always realize is that these patterns aren’t just about dramatic moments of fear or panic. They’re deeply wired (often shaped by early environments) and can keep influencing how we show up in relationships, navigate stress, and cope with emotional discomfort long after the threat is gone.
Let’s start with Fight—when protection takes the form of power, anger, or control.
What Is the Fight Response?
The Fight response says: “If I can stay in control, I can stay safe.”
It’s not just about yelling or physical aggression. It can look like perfectionism, defensiveness, emotional outbursts, or needing to be right. Underneath is often a fear of powerlessness, rejection, or being emotionally unseen.
For many kids, the Fight response begins in environments where their needs were inconsistently met, or only acknowledged when they protested. In those cases, the child wasn’t misbehaving; they were adapting. What looked like rebellion was actually survival.
How the Fight Response Shows Up in Real Life
In Kids
- Big meltdowns or angry outbursts
- Controlling behavior during play
- Difficulty with transitions, limits, or “unfair” rules
Isaac (7) lives in a home where emotions are rarely discussed, or worse yet, discouraged or punished. When his teacher redirects him during group time, he throws his pencil and yells, “You hate me!” In therapy, he shares, “If I don’t talk loud, nobody listens.” What looks like defiance is actually Isaac’s Fight response—his way of feeling powerful in a world that often makes him feel small.
In Teens
- Arguing with adults or pushing back against authority
- Risk-taking or rebellious behavior
- “All-or-nothing” thinking in friendships
- Harsh self-talk masked as perfectionism
Gabriella (15) has been suspended twice for yelling at teachers. She’s known for her “attitude,” but in therapy, she confides that acting “tough” keeps people from getting close. But, she also learned that vulnerability invites pain and this behavior becomes her safety. Gabriella grew up with a critical, emotionally distant mother. Her Fight response is less about defiance and more about protection.
In Adults
- Controlling tendencies in relationships
- Perfectionism or needing to be “the best”
- Quick to anger, defensiveness, or blame
- Testing others to see who will stay or leave
Marcus (38) describes himself as “a volcano.” He comes to therapy after his partner threatens to leave due to his frequent outbursts. As we unpack his story, Marcus comes to understand that control helped him survive emotional neglect. His need to control everything is his nervous system’s way of staying safe and preventing abandonment. Marcus is beginning to understand that connection is what might help him heal.
Clinical Connections and Overlaps
When the Fight response becomes a primary survival mode, it can mimic or overlap with traits from several mental health diagnoses. These aren’t just behavior problems—they’re trauma-adapted nervous system responses that often get misread and pathologized.
- Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD): persistent defiance, arguing, and refusal to follow directions—often a child’s way of regaining control in a chaotic or invalidating environment.
- Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED): sudden, intense outbursts of anger that feel disproportionate—driven by stored trauma and emotional flooding.
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): emotional intensity, black-and-white thinking, fear of abandonment, and relationship instability—often a product of early attachment trauma.
- PTSD / Complex PTSD: irritability, hypervigilance, and reactivity—especially in response to perceived threat or emotional danger.
- Narcissistic Traits: controlling behavior, arrogance, or lack of empathy—often masking deep shame, unmet attachment needs, and a fear of being exposed as unworthy.
Understanding the Fight response through a trauma lens helps shift the view from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you…and how did you learn to survive?”
Therapy with the Fight Response
Working with Fight doesn’t mean shutting it down. It means listening to it differently—with compassion instead of correction. These clients are often fiercely protective of themselves because no one else was. Vulnerability feels dangerous.
Here’s what helps:
- Psychoeducation: Teach that anger is protective, not pathological. It makes sense.
- DBT Skills: Use tools like TIPP (for calming the body) and DEAR MAN (for assertive communication).
- Inner Child Work: Reconnect with the part that had to fight to be seen and offer it safety.
- Relational Repair: Gently model emotional safety and be willing to repair when rupture happens.
Takeaway for Clinicians and Clients
If you or someone you care about tends to lead with anger, control, or reactivity, know this:
Anger was once a lifeline. It protected you when no one else did.
The goal isn’t to eliminate the Fight response. The goal is to soften it, so that power doesn’t have to come from fear. With time, therapy can help you build new ways of feeling strong: through connection, not control.
Stay tuned for Part 2: The Flight Response – Escaping the Unbearable.
